It's Gonna Be Okay

For the longest time, I've suffered with inner demons. It made me emotionally unstable for a long time and wish I could just disappear from the face of the earth. Thing is, I had to hide that fact from everyone. I felt that no one would understand.

Call me sad. Call me lonely. Call me depressed. There's so much words to describe that kind of intense loneliness but to be honest, I cannot even begin about the emotional torments I had to endure for years.

To be honest, I don't know when it started. All I know is I was young. Not too young, though. As I got older, more personal problems ensued thus escalating my depression. That was when everything went crazy.

I remember crying a few times a day, everyday for a few months. That happened when I left my old school. I can't stand leaving the one place that made me happy; I was so depressed at home with every personal problem I had to go through. My friends made me happy and walking through those gates did, too. I just missed it too much.

My deep sadness started getting deeper. It was beyond my disappointment with leaving such a great school and personal problems at home; it was already within me already. The times I would cry, it would be for so many reasons: self-pity, emotional turmoils, etc but at the same there would be no reason at all. I hated my life. I didn't have the energy to do anything. I was suicidal, too. Suicide crossed my mind more times than anything. I was too afraid to hold a knife, especially the ones that are so big and sharp. I couldn't trust myself to do so because I know I might harm myself. But at the same time, I was too afraid to die. I can't fathom the thought. I feared death just when I thought about it too much. Isn't that weird?

As time started getting rougher, my poor little heart couldn't take it. My eyes were always swollen. I didn't fix myself up anymore. I just lost interest in EVERYTHING. What made it worse was I felt I had to face my inner demons alone. I tried telling my sister I was depressed, but she didn't get it and forgot about it. That hit me hard. I had no one whom I could tell how I feel. No shoulder to cry on. No one. I felt ALONE

But beneath all that sadness, I always had that one spark of hope in me. Hope that everything will get better, eventually. I may not live the ideal kind of life, but I have so much things to be grateful for. I was alive and healthy. I had all the chances in the world--even if it seemed really impossible then--to go out and work on my goals.

Now, I'm much happier. Sure, I can't help but weep or breakdown sometimes but I know I experience a little rain while walking down to that road to eternal happiness. I still have those inner demons and am still battling them. I also have other demons(Read: Bullies and haters)to fight, too. But I know I could make it. I can't let them make me feel like I'll give up on my life. I have so much to live for.

I also have some good friends whom I told my depression about, and they help me somehow in their own way to keep me strong. But I know it's all up to me to defeat it. So technically, I'm still facing it alone but at least not as lonely anymore.

Truth be told, I sometimes can't believe  it that I made it at the age of 17. I've always feared that I might give in to my suicidal thoughts and depression then. Maybe all we need when we feel extreme depression is that one spark of hope that someday we will make it out of it. :)

Thoughts on Habagat

 This post was written last week, during the merciless reign of that stupid Habagat. I just thought of putting it here.

So You Guys Have heard about the storm here in the Philippines? It’s really terrible. The last time we were in a state of calamity like this was nearly three years ago when a similar(though nothing comparable)storm hit us.

The last time I went out was last Wednesday which had the most devastating rains. Ever. At first, it was sunny so we thought “hey, let’s go out. Let’s buy more supplies and let’s go with my dad to his weekly novena in this church 2 millions miles away from home.” Then it fucking rained. Then it stopped. Then it rained harder. Then the cycle goes on and on. My brother had to call home and my sister told him “Oh yeah the flood inside and outside the house that was thigh-high? It’s like stomach deep already.” Which is kinda low in our area since the others are above man level already.

Going home was a pain. It was hard commuting to Baclaran Church(the church my Dad goes to every Wednesday and despite the rains, he was so adamant to go since it was Baclaran day and shit) but it was somewhat easier to go home though hard in the eyes to see the roads going home so flooded. Like the roads in my school was literally a lake during the storm(until now). I see my friends houses so flooded and all. No one is spared in this storm. Not even my rich friends who lived in the exclusive area(which have, like, 10 foot floods and will literally take a few months to vanish). And especially not my friends who live in the lower parts of the area(their houses are fully submerged because they live near the river).

One week of no classes, though most will be happy about it at the mere mention, was hell. Next week is exams week and we have tons to tackle this week had not the strong Southwest Monsoon made us suffer like this. It gives me time to finish my projects for my clearance, but I still get distracted with the fact that the Pacific Ocean is on the lower level of my house or it’s raining cats and dogs outside.

It’s raining now. It’s been a day. We had better weather yesterday. And the weather forecasters say there’s gonna be another LPA which I hope won’t escalate to another monsoon. Let’s just hope it won’t affect this country. It’s been through much already. Too much.

Crazy for The Coveteur

If there is one site I visit more frequently that isn't a social network(Facebook, Tumblr etc), it's got to be The Coveteur. I love looking at their current Coveteur's closet and fashion pieces and even reading about what they do. It's like I get to live their lives vicariously just by looking at these pictures. Who knows? If I end up having an enviable collection of shoes, bags, jewelry, art and clothes, I might get Coveteur-ed someday. Echos. ;D

What I also love is that the usual suspects for their closet and home raids are magazine editors, stylists and designers rather than starlets(but hey, I'm not gonna complain if they raid Miley Cyrus' or Alexa Chung's closets!). Below are some of my fave Coveteur photos. I do not own them and all rights belong to them. Enjoy :)

There are so many pictures I would love to show here so expect a part 2 soon. :)

O Hai There, Odair!

With all the whirlwind I got caught in in my school, it was only recently I got to know some of the people cast in the second Hunger Games film, Catching Fire. *fangirling*

I've been DYING to know who got cast as FINNICK ODAIR. My bestfriend and I have been having bets(hers is Ian Somerhalder. Mine was Chace Crawford) on who'll play Finnick and  it was announced that SAM CLAFIN(of Snow White and the Hunstman) will play him.

I wasn't too thrilled at first when Clafin snagged the role of Finnick(NATE ARCHIBALD 5EVA), but gwapo naman sya diba? ;D

Other actors who got cast in Catching Fire are Philip Seymour Hoffman(Plutarch Heavensbee), Amanda Plummer(Wiresss) and Jenna Malone(Johanna Mason).

Gaaaaah. They better start filming soon! :D

Passion for Paintings

I love art. I really appreciate it and wish I had artistic talent. My siblings have it and I am sad to say I'm the only one who didn't inherit any.  Such shame. Huhu

But I do love admiring art. I don't know extensively about painters and stuff, but I try to by looking at books and surfing the net. Below are some of my favorite artwork :D

1. Young Flautist by Edouard Manet

 It's such an iconic painting. Ang tanong lang: Ano ang nilalaro ng bata? We may never know.

2. Cafe Terrace by Vincent Van Gogh

I love Van Gogh's paintings(and his name because it reminds me of this guy). Cafe Terrace is definitely one of my faves. It makes you wish you were just there in the painting, sipping coffee with a special guy. ;)

3. Portrait of Adele Bloch-Bauer by Gustav Klimt

This is probably my all time favorite painting. Not only is it sparkly(Spaaaaarklyyyyy @__@), but it looks so luxe, so rich. I love the contrast between the classically beautiful woman and the art deco inspired motif. 


4. Pencil Study of Dance in the Country by Auguste Renoir


Okay. I like the painting but I like this pencil study better. It somehow looks very romantic because of it's simplicity and lack of colors.

5. Portrait of Auguste Renoir by Frédéric Bazille

What I like here is that this looks as if it was painted by Van Gogh. And it also kinda looks like an old fashioned stolen shot este painting since Auguste's pose here doesn't look contrived(heck, I don't think he knew he was being painted by Frédéric!) and his eyes aren't staring into your soul.

Kristen Kerida

If you are a stupid hopeless romantic who lives under a rock totally unaware of gossip and such, you'd find this cute.

But if you know media all too well, then you'd recognize that woman is one half of a very powerful Hollywood couple.

Yes, folks. Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson. I never thought I would say this, but I feel bad for the bloke.

This is the guy she had a fling with whilst being with Rob, Snow White and the Hunstman director Rupert Sanders.

...Who happens to be married to hip actress, Liberty Ross(who had a small role playing Snow White's--played by KRISTEN--mom in the film).

This scandal is HUGE; until now people are still talking about it. What I liked, though, was Kristen and Robert Rupert both apologized for what they have done. I hope for the best for them and their loved ones! :D

Cheers to Love

Cheers to the fact that I am in denial about still liking you

Cheers to the sleepless nights I get just thinking about you

Cheers to the times I’ve done things for you but you never even seem to care

Cheers to the disappointment I feel whenever your big brown eyes ignore me when I’m around

Cheers to that shitty feeling I get knowing you’ll never like me as much as you like her

Cheers to the tears I shed because of these

Seriously. Cheers to fucking love

What The...?

How could a girl go from this...

To this?

 Her name is Courtney Stodden. What makes this girl a bit worthy for me to write about is that this girl is only 17 YEARS OLD. Yes. She is 17 and trotting around like a porn star. I know Taylor Momsen gets backlash for dressing similarly, but at least I love her and she isn't a baby bride.

"Seriously. What's the big deal about how I dress anyway?"

 If the evolution of her looks wasn't shocking enough, she is actually married to a guy 34 YEARS her senior. Gah. These pictures speak for themselves.

 Apparently, her parents gave their consent when she got married at 16. If that is not quetionable enough then I don't know what is. Call me crazy, but if her parents allow it and if it was abide the law, well, good for this chick to get married at 16.

 But still, it is kinda weird to be a parent and see your kid make out like this let alone if she's still a teenager.

 Great. More reasons to question the kids of my generation. :P