It's Gonna Be Okay

For the longest time, I've suffered with inner demons. It made me emotionally unstable for a long time and wish I could just disappear from the face of the earth. Thing is, I had to hide that fact from everyone. I felt that no one would understand.

Call me sad. Call me lonely. Call me depressed. There's so much words to describe that kind of intense loneliness but to be honest, I cannot even begin about the emotional torments I had to endure for years.

To be honest, I don't know when it started. All I know is I was young. Not too young, though. As I got older, more personal problems ensued thus escalating my depression. That was when everything went crazy.

I remember crying a few times a day, everyday for a few months. That happened when I left my old school. I can't stand leaving the one place that made me happy; I was so depressed at home with every personal problem I had to go through. My friends made me happy and walking through those gates did, too. I just missed it too much.

My deep sadness started getting deeper. It was beyond my disappointment with leaving such a great school and personal problems at home; it was already within me already. The times I would cry, it would be for so many reasons: self-pity, emotional turmoils, etc but at the same there would be no reason at all. I hated my life. I didn't have the energy to do anything. I was suicidal, too. Suicide crossed my mind more times than anything. I was too afraid to hold a knife, especially the ones that are so big and sharp. I couldn't trust myself to do so because I know I might harm myself. But at the same time, I was too afraid to die. I can't fathom the thought. I feared death just when I thought about it too much. Isn't that weird?

As time started getting rougher, my poor little heart couldn't take it. My eyes were always swollen. I didn't fix myself up anymore. I just lost interest in EVERYTHING. What made it worse was I felt I had to face my inner demons alone. I tried telling my sister I was depressed, but she didn't get it and forgot about it. That hit me hard. I had no one whom I could tell how I feel. No shoulder to cry on. No one. I felt ALONE

But beneath all that sadness, I always had that one spark of hope in me. Hope that everything will get better, eventually. I may not live the ideal kind of life, but I have so much things to be grateful for. I was alive and healthy. I had all the chances in the world--even if it seemed really impossible then--to go out and work on my goals.

Now, I'm much happier. Sure, I can't help but weep or breakdown sometimes but I know I experience a little rain while walking down to that road to eternal happiness. I still have those inner demons and am still battling them. I also have other demons(Read: Bullies and haters)to fight, too. But I know I could make it. I can't let them make me feel like I'll give up on my life. I have so much to live for.

I also have some good friends whom I told my depression about, and they help me somehow in their own way to keep me strong. But I know it's all up to me to defeat it. So technically, I'm still facing it alone but at least not as lonely anymore.

Truth be told, I sometimes can't believe  it that I made it at the age of 17. I've always feared that I might give in to my suicidal thoughts and depression then. Maybe all we need when we feel extreme depression is that one spark of hope that someday we will make it out of it. :)