Shattered Dreams

When I was younger, I was told that there's a very good chance that in a few years I might leave for Canada. I couldn't fathom the thought: LEAVING THE PHILIPPINES? Sure life is hard here, but it's totally different when you move to another country! But as I grew older, I got into it. I listed the postive things about moving there such as the big Filipino community, free quality education, food is damn cheap and our lives there will prosper unlike here where my family and I have been through too much struggles. Also, Los Angeles is just a 2 to 8 hour flight away from Canada(It depends if I fly from Toronto, Ontario or Vancouver and it also depends if there's a stop over).

Take note that Los Angeles is where I plan to pursue my goals in life. For years, I thought that this kind of arrangement--migrating to Canada--would be okay. This was my plan, you see: moving to Canada then move to LA when I'm college aged already or maybe even before that.

All was shattered when my Dad said that he wants my siblings and I to finish our studies here. HERE! I told him I wanted to study abroad(though I never told him I also planned to start my career, too). He said no. I never felt so awful in my life. I asked him how come you're thinking that when before he was comfortable with the idea of us studying abroad? I don't think he gave a clear answer or maybe it wasn't even audible enough for me to hear, but I was still crushed. My goals....my plan....

I have other goals, too like maybe if chances are I study here I will work for Preview(the ONLY magazine I imagine myself working for and contributing ideas to)after college, but my dreams-turned-goals of breaking into the film industry was something I had in mind for years. I mean, around the time I first dreamt of being in Hollywood I was a kid and I had quite questionable goals back then(I wanted to be a singer, too. I can break a tune but I don't think I want to be one anymore! I wanted to be a designer but looking at my designs, they were Hannah Montana to the highest level) and I thought that this was one of them. Imagine all these years and all those goals, being in the film industry was the only one that I really really wanted and only the one that stuck.

I have experienced a lot of hardships before and the worst ones were the times that I suffered emotionally due to everything that was spiraling downward then. I was so depressed that I kept thinking of committing suicide. But the only thing that made me realize that I shouldn't kill myself is my goals. I cannot leave life without reaching my dreams. That's why these goals are very close to my heart: it was like some sort of purpose for me to live. To strive for something that I truly wanted. I couldn't do that when I'm dead. To do that one thing I want to do forever.

There's this other girl who also dreams of studying abroad, too. I'm not sure about her since I don't really know her, but it didn't come true for her. She kept complaining about it on Tumblr and Formspring. While I know you think I will get annoyed, I actually felt bad for her and wonder if the same will happen to me(because I never had the discussion with studying abroad then with my Dad). She's going to be a freshman in college next month but at least for her, she gets to experience living on her own dorm so she kinda has that feeling of independence down pat(although sabi nya that her yaya will come over once a week and clean up which is not really the kind of "independence" I had in mind. I know how to do chores). My Dad won't even let me live independently let alone living alone abroad. I tried telling him that I really could do it but he's not convinced. He asked where will I even stay and also says that I will jut fight my siblings(which only cares to show that he didn't listen to what I was trying to say to him in the first place AT ALL. I said gusto ko mag-aral abroad. Sinabi ba ng mga kapatid ko na gusto nila rin?). Sabi nya if I do good during my first two years in College, I could apply as a Foreign exchange student but I don't think that's the same. And also, around that time I will be mga 20 plus and I really need to take my chances in Hollywood while I'm still young.

I know how to cook. I know how to clean. Fuck, marunong na ako magbayad sa Bayad Center! (If ever there's something like it abroad. hehe). I could get a job, too(Waitress maybe? But I'm afraid of saying that infamous "I'm not really a waitress" line to customers and they will reply "yeah yeah you're an actress" hehehe). I am responsible. I just need to prove that. How can my Dad understand that I need to do this while I'm young? My youth is something I have now and will lose if I reach my goals 10 years from now. My Dad doesn't want to talk about the me studying abroad ek ek but I feel like I need to convince him as much as possible. He doesn't know about my acting goals but I am afraid he will take it as a joke when I've been serious about it for years already. Haaaaay, ang Buhaaaay. I just wish my goals would be set into place somehow. I really want to experience studying, living independently and pursuing my dreams abroad. Preview can wait. :)